My Top 13 Albums of 2013

I quite like lists. The internet seems made for them, but I can't imagine many people care what my favourite albums were of 2013. That doesn't really matter though as I'm putting exactly that list up. There will be some glaring omissions that I haven't got round to buying or listening to yet, educate me. What I can say is that from the music I did listen to in 2013 is that British punk rock is as healthy as I've ever known it; obviously I get more chance to see British bands live which is why this list is heavily weighted towards bands from these fair isles. As it should be really, we often don't appreciate the great musicians and bands that tour relentlessly around the country and bring joy to us; we take them for the granted, but I for one would like to thank them all for inspiring me and making me happy.

Instead of Facebook telling me what my 2013 was about I thought I'd let the bands and releases who meant something to me do that so I'll take a lyric from each record to make into a new song/poem to hopefully sum up 2013, a bit like that stupid game you played at school when one person started a story and then the next person carried it on, and on, and on and you ended up with a load of nonsense...

(Reading these back it reads like I may have written them when I was a bit tiddly, and I probably was, so sorry about that.)

13. Worlds ScariestPolice Chases- NOFX And Out Come The Wolves Dookie (AF Records)

The band with the worst/ best band name and worst/best album name of 2013 were WSPC and the album continues the absurdity. I love much that is absurd, I even put one of my interests as Camus' philosophy of the absurd on a dating site I went on at the start of the year. How I got any dates I'm not sure. Anyway, this band remind me a bit of the first time I heard Guttermouth; if they are joking then they're amazing and just having a good time and taking the piss out of things they want to take the piss out of (which seems to be mostly straight edge bands). If they're serious like Guttermouth ended up being it's terrible. The music is kind of old school hardcore, with song titles/ lyrics taking the piss out of/paying homage to bands like Good Clean Fun/ Gorilla Biscuits. There's far too many forward slashes in this review. But anyway, yeah, they're a mix of Green Jelly, Gorilla Biscuits and Guttermouth. I'm still not sure about them but that's why they're absurd, and fun, and worth a listen.

Lyric taken: "You always have something to say/ you never notice we all turn away"

12. Great Cynics- Like I Belong (Bomber Music)

For some reason I wanted to hate this band before I'd listened to them or seen them. The minor hype? The name which I wasn't sure was amazing or shite? The fact the lead singer shares the same name as the ECB chairman? (was this a ridiculous thought of punk being for the working class when I was at least one generation removed from 'the working class' anyway. Has punk become/ was it always a posh boys plaything? What the fuck has it got to do with me?). Then I listened to the album and I couldn't get the songs out of my head, the album is very good, extremely catchy and just nice. But then I'm not sure I want my punk music to be nice, and I'm not sure if the band very much fits into 'punk' music as I know it but I know the British scene is better off for having intelligent and thoughtful songwriters and bands like these in it.

Lyric taken: "I can't figure out a better way than to ignore you when you act this way/ I'm trying not to give you sympathy, I know it's what you want and I give in so easy"

11. Colour Me Wednesday- I Thought It Was Morning (Discount Horse/ Dovetown)

One of the good things of finally finding a girl who can put up with me has been discovering an almost parallel music scene in indiepop which has the same ideals and political views as punk but is much more twee, catchy and nice, and probably has much less arguments about who can be in their scene as the punk scene does (see above). CMW kind of sound like Lily Allen mixed with Lemuria and sing songs about veganism, people being ignorant and 'purging your inner Tory'. The album is lovely and you should check it out, it's what you would be listening to if you managed to make friends with the slightly cooler, better looking people in your school.

Lyric taken: "You say it's human nature to fuck up anything good/ The only thing wrong with human nature is we listen to people like you"

10. RVIVR- The Beauty Between (YoYo)

This album is superb, RVIVR play pop punk but a pop punk that sounds like its been fed on amphetamines and jangly guitars. This record is 42 minutes long but feels shorter than that due to the feeling of urgency in their songs; I'm not sure where they're trying to get to but it sounds like they're trying to get there fucking fast. There's also the almost 10 minute three part 'The Hunger Suite' which shows the bands intelligence and daring to try something to different which sets them apart from most bands out there at the moment.

Lyric taken: "But someone's always trying to tell me who I am, who to love and how to fuck/ And it's time to pay the rent, kick down the door and come outside."

9. Southport- Southern Soul (YoYo)

Last Christmas I was at a house party where I got talking to a girl when Diesel Boy came on the stereo, I was surprised she'd heard of them and started telling her a story about a gig in Bradford where Southport were supporting them. I only knew one Southport song at the time; 'Pilot' from the Killed By Crackle! compilation, when they played this I started doing forward rolls and other stupid stuff on the otherwise empty dance floor. That wasn't the story though; the story was that we'd missed our last train back to Leeds and didn't have anywhere to stay, as the gig wasn't very well attended we managed to latch onto a group of people and go back to their house. With us was Diesel Dave, lead singer of Diesel Boy who had pulled one the girls who lived in the house... I hadn't thought about this for many a year until this party but it turns out that the girl who was with Diesel Dave and whose house we stayed at was the sister of the girl I'd been talking to, who had just been playing and singing in my mates living room at the party. Small world.

Anyway, This album doesn't have any of the immediate impact or urgency of the pop punk sounds that Southport created back in their Crackle! era but it's very good mid tempo punk rock, kind of like Armchair Martian with bits of Senseless Things and some soul and reggae thrown in. Good stuff.

Lyric taken:"This might be the last time, let's hope it's worthwhile"

8. Bangers- Crazy Fucking Dreams (Beach Community)

This is a beautiful release which almost fully captures the pure brilliance of seeing Bangers live. I say almost as though the production is spot on and it allows the song writing to stand out and lets the songs to have space to breathe, listening to the band on record just isn't as amazing as seeing them live. That's not to say this is a bad record, far from it; there's not a duff song on it. It's mostly Hot Water Music type gruff pop punk but you also get the brilliant Hold Steady-ish slower number of 'Bad Jokes' and the more metallic hardcore 'A Quite Different Coastline'. It's all good stuff and you'll be singing along to it after a few listens.

Lyric taken:"I said my favourite colour now is the colour of streetlights/ she said she could never distinguish between my bad jokes and stupid lines"

7. Down And Outs- Lifeline (YoYo/ Boss Tuneage)

This is Down and Outs' fourth album and it continues in much the same sing along street pop punk vein as their previous output but this album seems a tad more melodic and mature. The twelve songs speed along and it's the kind of record you'll just want to play over and over again. The band have been going for ten years now and keep on creating brilliant, catchy punk songs. Far too underrated.

Lyric taken: "And I'll cling to what they say about a silver lining/ but it doesn't make the days of silence any less tiring"

6. Snuff- 5-4-3-2-1...Perhaps! (Fat Wreck)

First Snuff album in about a a decade, that's all you really need to know but it does help that it's absolutely excellent. Everything’s in here that you'd want from a Snuff album; Duncan Redmond’s distinctive, Cockney singing voice, Hammond organ, trombone, the unique Snuff guitar sound, catchy as fuck songs and great lyrics. It sounds like the band had a great time making the album and every time I play it it brings a huge smile to my face, let's hope it's not another ten years till the next album.

Lyric taken: "One look in the mirror tells you nothing stays the same/ You can wallow in your loss or accept the change."

5. Lindi Ortega- Tin Star (Last Gang)

One must have a bit of variation in their diet and I like a bit of country music now and again, mainly because the lyrical content of broken hearts, fucking up and getting fucked up mirror my favourite punk song topics. Lindi Ortega is a singer songwriter from Canada, this is her third album and I can't recommend checking her out enough. This album is a mix of country, rockabilly and good old rock 'n' roll. She is brilliant, the album is brilliant, it will break your heart and then mend it again and then make you want to dance in the street. She's the best country artist around at the moment in my opinion and doesn't get half the recognition she deserves as she doesn't have a massive major label pushing her; she just relies on non stop touring to get out there and do what she loves doing as she sings "No Billboard hits, no sold out nights. We got bills to pay, trying to make a way. Some of us wait on luck; well, some just pray"

Lyric taken:"Haunting every portrait of your saddest face/ your muse is a painting that cannot be erased."

4. ONSIND- Anaesthesiology (Discount Horse)

Acoustic pop punk which acts as the UK punk scenes political conscience (or at least the part of the 'UK punk scene' they inhabit). They may be a tad twee and seem a bit smug but I'd be a bit smug if I could write catchy as hell, thought provoking sing a long pop songs with more than convincing storytelling at a rate they manage to be doing. The ten tracks on this album sound kind of connected to each other but it's not really a concept album (even though some characters pop up in the same songs), it more takes the ONSIND blueprint and just makes it the best it's ever been. The Guardian often runs articles about there not being any modern protest singers/ bands about but if they ever took their heads out of their arses they'd realise ONSIND are just that; this album is amazing and needs to be listened to.

Lyric taken:"How we struggle to find meaning in the 'facts'/ A dialogue so porous that the language drips and trickles through the gaps"

3. Caves- Betterment (YoYo/ Bombed Out)

Caves are one of, if not the best live band in Britain right now but that energy and the feeling the crowd gets whenever they're seen live hasn't been transferred to their recorded output in the past. Betterment puts that right and shows the band on top form and the production of the record means the song writing, the energy and the sheer catchiness of the tunes is finally caught on record. This eleven track album is a little over 26 minutes long and powers along in no time at all; you'll be hitting the repeat button before you realise what's hit you, and then doing it again. I used to describe them as a British RVIVR but they seem so much better to be stuck in another bands shadow just now. They're just Caves, and they're fucking mint.
Lyric taken:"Never believed/ never believed in anything."

2. The Murderburgers- These Are Only Problems (Asian Man/ Monster Zero)

This is an almost perfect Ramones/Screeching Weasel style pop punk album from this Scottish band which is out on Asian Man Records in the US which seems like a pretty big deal to me. On a pop record you don't expect a band to be original but you do expect them to be unique; it's about using the same old building blocks and creating something new that expresses the individuals in the band; Fraser and co do just that and they've made my favourite pop punk record of at least the last five years. If you ever had any affinity to that genre you need to check this out. All the songs are catchy as hell, three chord, three minute blasts of pop punk joy and of course what sets them properly apart is Fraser's thoughtful, brilliant, miserabilistic, nihilistic lyrics.

Lyric taken:"Although I'm still not sure what I'm doing or where I'll be at the end of the day/ If I can simplify things then I think that I might be okay."

1. V/A- The Songs Of Tony Sly: A Tribute

When Tony’s death was announced to the world it was the first time that someone's death who I didn't personally know effected me in any way; his songs were part of my growing up, part of my youth, part of me. I was actually more of a LagWagon Fan (it felt that you were either one or the other back in the day) and I think I only saw No Use For A Name once and that was when Suicide Machines supported them at the Duchess back in nineteen ninety something and everyone who was at that gig will tell you both NUFAN and Swingin' Utters were totally overshadowed by Suicide Machines but I still liked NUFAN, caught Tony Slys solo shows and loved his song writing and lyrics especially and his songs were and are a part of the soundtrack to my life. So when I heard the news I was shaken up and spent a week or so listening to his songs and celebrating what he did in my own personal way. This album is a perfect tribute to the man and will hold a extra special place in my collection forever more. Rest in peace, but may your songs continue to bring joy to the people you touched. Cheers.

Lyric taken: "But without you my life is incomplete/ My days are absolutely gray/ and so I'll try let your heart know for sure/ that I have so much more to tell you every single day."

So here's my final song of 2013:

You always have something to say, You never notice we all turn away

I can't figure out a better way than to ignore you when you act this way

I'm trying not to give you sympathy, I know it's what you want and I give in so easy

You say it's human nature to fuck up anything good

The only thing wrong with human nature is we listen to people like you

But someone's always trying to tell me who I am, who to love and how to fuck

And it's time to pay the rent, kick down the door and come outside

This might be the last time, let's hope it's worthwhile

I said my favourite colour now is the colour of streetlights

She said she could never distinguish between my bad jokes and stupid lines

And I'll cling to what they say about a silver lining

But it doesn't make the days of silence any less tiring

One look in the mirror tells you nothing stays the same

You can wallow in your loss or accept the change

Haunting every portrait of your saddest face

Your muse is a painting that cannot be erased

How we struggle to find meaning in the 'facts'

A dialogue so porous that the language drips and trickles through the gaps

Never believed, never believed in anything

Although I'm still not sure what I'm doing or where I'll be at the end of the day

If I can simplify things then I think that I might be okay

But without you my life is incomplete, my days are absolutely gray

And so I'll try let your heart know for sure

That I have so much more to tell you every single day

That actually makes my 2013 sound pretty horrible; it wasn't, it was one of the happiest of my life; so thanks to the bands for sound tracking it, the friends I've shared it with and especially Helen for just making life more fun. And if you've read this blog or any of my previous ones (and commented or liked them on Facebook), thanks to you too, it's kind of nice to be doing something semi creative again. Have a great new year.

Old Nonsense Found Down The Back Of The Computer #3: Eggheads

I went on Eggheads with some friends a few years back now, this is an article I wrote before the programme was actually aired. This first appeared in Lukes ace 'zine Ont' Road, issue number 16, you can now check out the web version of the 'zine here. When the episode was finally aired we were abused on twitter and then my office manager aired the episode in my office to my amused co-workers, I live in hope my parents have accidentally wiped it from their TV.

On a side note I went to Highgate cemetery on Saturday and when I saw Marx's (newer) grave one of my immediate thoughts was that his massive head looks like a losing contestant on the Eggheads, having to sit behind his friends watching down on their feeble attempts to beat a team of quiz champions. I felt bad.

Some of the stupidest ideas are often thought of in a pub, when six pints deep most things seem possible and amusing. Every idea is an amazing one which can be discussed with real fervour and then forgotten about in two or three beers time when ones mind turns to less salubrious thoughts. Any lingering thoughts of the "greatest idea ever" are almost always wiped out in the morning when one realises it was a rather silly idea that in the cold light of a hungover day is definitely the last thing you'll ever consider doing. Sometimes though a few of these ideas slip through the net and manifest themselves in real events. Take for example 'The Straw Race' which takes place in the village of Oxenhope, West Yorkshire every summer which originated from an argument between two friends in a pub where one bet that the other couldn't carry a bale of straw from one pub to the next faster than him. It's now a massive annual event where teams of two dress in fancy dress and carry a bale of straw on their backs and stop for a pint in every pub in the village. I've done this race; it's a bloody stupid idea.

Or take another example of a worm charming event that takes place annually in Blackawton, Devon. Some guy was in a pub in the village and was wondering what would happen if he relieved the alcohol he'd been consuming onto it. As he was happily pissing on the grass a load of worms rose to the surface so he came up with the idea to stage an annual contest; now hundreds of people descend on the village in fancy dress and piss on the grass or some other shit to charm the worms to the surface. I've not taken part in this but it sounds bloody stupid and something that could only be dreamed up by a half cut person in a public house.

Britain is built on pubs, eccentricity and now seemingly fancy dress. Something that doesn't involve fancy dress but has a foot in both the other camps is quiz nights. I proposed one night in a pub we should go on the ultimate television quiz show Eggheads. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time; a chance to win thousands of pounds against a team of professional quizzers on national TV. National TV? Why the hell would I want to appear on national TV? But the idea had legs; I sent out a few texts and posted a request for team members on Facebook. People replied they'd be up for it probably thinking it was just another stupid drunk idea I had which wouldn't go anywhere. A couple of months later we were in the BBC studios in Glasgow, in make up, getting ready to take on the Eggheads. What a bloody stupid idea.

It turns out Eggheads has an average of two million viewers per episode and even though most of these are likely to be OAP's or students they're still real people. That's two million people watching me and my friends make fools out ourselves. Two million real people. What was the point? With a lot of things in life there wasn't a point, I was just drunk and thought it would be funny and followed through with it for once. I've never had any inclination to appear on national television but with a team put together we were flown up to Glasgow from London and put up in a hotel for the night ready to do a quiz in front of some cameras at eight in the morning. That's no time to be taking part in a quiz. That's no time to be doing anything.

It turns out I'm so pasty the make up artists had to put blusher or something on my arms as well as my face so I didn't appear too ghostly on TV, I'd hate to think what they'd have had to do to me if I'd had more than four pints the night before but after an extensive sessions in make up the team were ready to go. It turns out being on TV is pretty easy, and quite exciting. Our team broke an Eggheads record for being able to talk into a camera. Apparently in almost 900 episodes no team has been able to say their names, age and occupation into the camera without messing up. All of us did it perfectly first time, the Eggheads and the production staff were very impressed, our reserve James said that CJ was going a bit crazy back stage. We were naturals, we could do this.

Then the questions started and we realised that actually we couldn't do it, or rather we couldn't win it. We didn't get any of the categories we wanted but we all managed to get at least one question correct but limply proceeded into the final round with no-one winning their individual round. it was left to Vinny to take on the five Eggheads on his own. At this point Nay, Roshni, Tim and I were escorted into the other filming room where our heads will appear massive on HD TV behind Vinny when the episode is finally aired. Tim (this is another Tim, it's not a case of my friend Tim..." and it actually being me, it was Tim) decided at this point he had to go to the toilet or he'd shit his pants. In his race to get to the bowl in time Tim forgot he was wearing a microphone that was hooked up to all the production team and Jeremy Vine, the presenter. Tim said afterwards it was the loudest, most explosive shit he could ever wish to unload, a number seven on the Bristol stool chart scale. Nay, Roshni and I heard Jeremy Vine say that "there must be something in the water" but thought nothing of it; we were too worried about our heads appearing five times their normal size on national television. Then afterwards Tim told us what he'd done; he'd shat in Jeremy Vines ear.

Vinny lost the final round. We came and lost as a team, we got to see a bit of Glasgow, we met and got our pictures taken with the Eggheads, we shat in Jeremy Vines ear. It may have been a bloody stupid idea but it ended up being a lot of fun. I'm just glad it won't be made into an annual event in some little village where I'd have to wear fancy dress and piss on a worm whilst carrying a bale of straw on my back around some pubs.